Rebecca Ruhlman Designs Welcome to the drafting table of RARDesigns. A full-service media design firm.
So, I know. Becca, you are such a slacker. Didn’t you promise a ton of things this month that you totally haven’t delivered on? Bingo! You are right, internets. I have succumbed to the seasonal sadness that comes with these familial celebrations, and have had zero motivation to do anything.
That said, I’m actually writing this, on my phone, from Cleveland. After three years of separation from my family over this gender thing – to a point that I pretty much wrote off never seeing them ever again – I received a last minute invite from my aunt, welcoming me back on behalf of the rest of the family.
I’ve said this before, even though I was never close to my family, the feeling of rejection from their fold during this transition has been more painful than any other part.
Needless to say upon the news, I jumped the first bus to mend these broken ties.
Also, this Christmas eve was the anniversary of my 30th year. Older folks will probably chide me, but I was freaking out. I wasn’t crazed just because I was getting old, though some of that was there. This year in general has been a study in entrenchment.
I have felt that dreaded anxiety of “being stuck” for much of this period. After a spat of cyber bullying I removed myself from most of my social networks including YouTube, Facebook and the like. Work has become less satisfying as well; what with 4 bosses in two years, being told “point-blank” that I would never be eligible for promotion and the general self-destruction of the publishing industry.
I have had a couple good interviews but they all seem to fizzle out by the third call back. Many employers have expressed great interest in my portfolio and all the interviews usually are quite productive. There always seems to be a point where the hamster falls off the wheel. I’ve seen it again and again where sometime in the third interview, the employer looks too close or glances at the resume a little longer than during the previous interviews and our conversation abruptly ends. Even in a state with employment protections like Illinois, it is nearly impossible to prove; not to mention personally draining. I am lucky though. With my slightly above minimum wage job I am better off than half our population. That too wouldn’t be so bad except for oppressive college loans (a hidden cause of the economic crisis).
I haven’t been sitting on my hands, though. Despite the run-down look of my site, I’ve been expanding my technical skill-set to include fancier, hopefully more desirable, web publishing techniques. I am currently sitting on three major projects to be released in the next 18 months!
So, for this short entry let’s sum up. This past year sucked, seriously, sucked. But underneath the lack of gainful employment and economic woe, I’ve been biding my time while trying to dig myself out. After all, it is the supple bow that endures the storm. Or, so they say. Goals for next year are:
continue building friends in the area,
save up and re-start electrolysis,
somehow find a better paying job,
reconnect further with family,
and basically reboot a growing process that has been on hiatus for way too long.
Tags: anxiety, future, transgender
I’m so glad things are improving with your family, Rebecca! I know how you feel…you can live your life and get along ok, but it’s like there’s a big, family-sized hole in your life.
I keep forgetting how hard your working life has been. I’m sorry and it makes me sad. You’re a wonderful person and you deserve so much better. I think this year is going to be pretty great for you and I’m sure you’ll fulfill all of your resolutions
Happy New Year, ’010!
Oh but, I bitch too much! Seriously, how many people get to draw for a living? I think I just end up putting my anxieties all up on here as a way to purge things. I am in love with the ferrets BTW. I want to do something awesome with them; I just don’t know what yet. Happy new years and Bow-chica-wow-wow… thump.